


The Time Warp

by akgerhardt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Fanon PWP/Crack Fic, Foursome, M/M, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 09:36:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20307343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: I don't seem to have any dignity regarding prompts, but we've raised over a hundred dollars for six charities so far!akgerhardt.tumblr.com





	The Time Warp

He has half of a heart left but only moments 'til sunrise. If he can last just a little longer, get to his nearest food chest, he'll finally be able to complete his diamond armor, save it, and then-

**"CREEPER!"**

He practically falls out of his chair as John reforms next to him. By the time he gets back to the screen, he's fuckin' dead. He shoots John a death glare, which would be more effective if it wasn't obscured. 

"Aw, man~" 

"Are you shitting me. This is sabotage... You fuckin' crushed all of my hopes and dreams in one fell whoosh. Hope you're happy- actually, no I don't."

John's cracking up like his Prankster's Gambit is through the roof. It wasn’t even that funny. He's just being a smug bastard.

"You get off to some dummy shit, Egbert. Would I ever be this much of an asshole to you? Would I rustle your jimmies just for a lil giggle? Ruin somethin' you hold dear? No, because I'm a mature adult and I have this thing called basic human decency. Not that I'd expect you to understand, but-"

"Haha, dude. You’re the opposite of a mature adult... Also, you should've seen the look on your face! You were so in the zone that you didn't even notice the sudden wind? Or your nipplerections from the cold? I'm disappointed."

"... Dick move, end of story," he mutters, switching to Roblox despondently. 

"Alright, alright, jeez… I'm sorry; I didn't think you cared  _ that _ much!"

"Yeah, well, "sorry" mines jackshit. Go fuck yourself."

…

John floats in midair thoughtfully. Why had he never considered doing so until now?

"Ok. Great idea!" 

"What?"

"I will fuck myself as an act of penance, right here, at this very moment. It’s genius. Comedy gold!" 

"... Literally, what kind of assbackwards-"

John's future self retcons into the room, several seconds older. Dave startles again, but they waste no time in starting a theatrical display. 

"Oh god, why? Why. You sick fuck, you just single-doublehandedly doomed our timeline. There's gotta be some eye bleach lyin' around here… C'mon, don't do this to me. I thought we were tight. Thought you had my back, but here you are scarring my already-scarred psyche mere moments after betrayal. Who fuckin' does that. It’s like I don't even know you anymore."

"Mm... No one's forcing you to watch! Man, all this time I wasted NOT making out with myself just makes me wanna overcompensate! How about it, John~?" 

"Totally, John. This is too spicy for just one me to handle~"

They dive back in, getting hot n' steamy, sloppy and grope-y. The irony of the situation is rapidly dissolving as it becomes transparent that John is genuinely into it. Dave can't look away. His Robloxona has died four times already, the quiet "oofs" taking a backseat to the arguably sexy noises coming from the scene before him. As the minutes pass, it's unclear whether John Squared even knows why he's doing this, or if he's forgotten that he's putting on a show. When Dave feels somewhat assured that they aren't paying attention to him, he subtly whips his dick out and starts jackin' it. It’s John's fault, again, he justifies. No need to delve any deeper. 

They’re grinding against each other as they both fight to be in the lead, perfectly balanced, as all things should be. Slowly, articles of clothing are removed, and Dave tries to commit every image to memory. He could film it, but… that'd be low, even for him. 

By the time they're in John's bed, panting and flushed, one of them happens to look up and lock eyes with Dave before he can react. The other John follows and gives a toothy smirk as the first beckons him over with a "come hither" gesture. Dave's body moves on its own accord, and he's ass-naked by the time he closes the distance. 

"We're not even gonna ask ourselves what the fuck this is, are we?"

"Nah."

"We are young adults and gods, David, so we call the shots. There's nothing wrong with some harmless fun! Don't you wanna experiment~?"

"I mean, yeah. Obviously. Just checkin'. Don’t make me introspect about it later, that's all. I ain't plannin' on gettin' matrihomial up in here."

"Ew, no, that's for chumps!"

...

"Glad we're on the same page," he drawls, voice lowering to a husky murmur. He retrieves lube and condoms from his sylladex, but they're too preoccupied to judge him. 

"So, I. Uh. I'm just gonna go and-"

A timeclone appears just as rapidly as John did, but with the cool red gears and shit as opposed to a bright flash. The Johns exchange an expression of  _ "Oh shit," _ followed by  _ "Hell yes." _

"We're doin' this, man."

"We're makin' this happen."

Naturally, the new Dave was already ass-naked. He assists a John with mutual condoming, and, after an intimate foursome of a lubefest, careful stretching, and prostate stimulation, shit manages to fall into place. There's a John and Dave 69-ing while the other John and Dave fuck their opposite counterparts. Dave's suckin' John off like there's no tomorrow while also getting rammed by John, and John is delivering a stellar blowjob while receiving Dave's package. Everyone's ascending to the astral plane in euphoric bliss; it’s just that hot. We're talking slow and sweet building up to a crescendo of mattress-pounding and bobbing heads swallowing around secret sausage, just dudes bein' bros with a questionable amount of expertise.

"Oh god, Dave! I can't- nn, it's too  _ good…" _

"Fuck, you’re pounding…" 

"Don't stop, h- holy fuck, how did you learn to- ahn!" 

"John, your meat is so juicy... Just- butcher my ah!ss...  _ yesss. _ Gimme that special sauce~"

They peak independent of one another in a haphazard manner, then collapse together like a game of Twister gone wrong. By the time their duplicates vanish and consolidate their experiences, they're thoroughly boned. They cuddle in the aftermath of mind-blowing sex, too overcome to bother cleaning themselves up. At least their paradox selves did them a solid by being the sheath-wearers. 

"... Am I acquitted yet?" 

"Hm, nah. Same time next week?" 

"Mayhaps," he responds sincerely. 

...

"Can I kiss you deeply, dude?"

"Hell fucking yes."


End file.
